Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
