Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
