Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
