this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
