apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
