just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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