I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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