i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
