I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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