May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
