i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
