so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
