Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
