but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
