His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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