Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
