I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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