after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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