Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize