He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
