i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
