one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
