went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize