I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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