my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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