you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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