you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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