the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
