He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize