Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
God, I missed his penis.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
