Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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