I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
