even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
