how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
