It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
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