Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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