It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The air was thick with penises
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize