I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
