i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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