She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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