I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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