Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
