He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
