I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize