I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
