my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
