you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
