How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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