this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
