I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
