did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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