Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize