just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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