Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
