Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
