I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
