last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
