I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
