i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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