Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
