im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize