my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
