he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
