Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
