i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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