I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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