I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
