Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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