i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
