Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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