god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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